I might be whining but....

Quick note… I wrote the following post on January 22, 2010… not sure why I didn’t post it at that time but I’m posting it now. I have added some things and so for whatever reason, today’s additions will be posted in one color and the January 22 thoughts will be in a different color… I’m weird like that lol

Just some thoughts to share… first of all I can’t even claim to have been lurking on the blogs because of life, love, Facebook and Farmville… lol… but if I post this I plan on lurking today….

Anyways… I just want to share some thoughts more for my sanity but feel free to read them… lol

First of all, I would like to address the accolades that Jimmie and I get for being foster parents. What I’m about to say may seem rude and I’m sorry but it’s sort of how I feel and I don’t really know how to express it properly. For some reason, when someone tells us that we’re good people and it’s amazing that we do what we do and blah blah blah, sometimes it’s hard to know how to graciously accept that compliment. It sort of embarrasses me and it actually rubs Jimmie the wrong way sometimes but he has a few other issues lingering there too.

My feelings about it are that we’re not doing the whole foster care thing to have people admire us and say oh what good people we are. I know it’s an unusual lifestyle we’ve chosen but it’s really more than that… I feel like we’re just following God’s calling for us for what He has given us a burden for in life. I mean if someone had told me 10 or 20 years ago (good grief that makes me sound old! Lol) that this is what we would be doing with our life, I would have thought that person was out of their mind but here we are and this is how we are choosing to live. I feel that we are just following God’s command to help those who can’t help themselves and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that many of you who read my ramblings do the same thing but in your own way and in the way that God calls you to follow Him and His path for your life.

I also feel like, had we been able to have children of our own, I doubt we would be on this path at all. So I’m not sure how “praise worthy” it is that we are just seeking an alternative to what most everyone else does naturally.

Another reason that I feel strongly about what we’re doing and why we’re doing it is not for our glory but for the glory of God, because without Him moving and working and breathing His life into us, we could not and would not be foster parents period.

So I guess I have worked this out in my head and my heart as I type this out. I guess maybe I should say, it’s ok for people to compliment what we’re doing and say how much they admire what we’re doing and stuff but I’m not keeping the compliment, I’m going to pass it right on up to He who gives me the strength and the will to live and breathe and walk the path He has set before me. And I would further go on to say I’m proud of each and every one of you when you follow God’s will for your life! (I will keep the words of encouragement though because everyone needs those from time to time!)

I would add one more thing and that is that it really makes me uncomfortable when people tell us that they could not do what we do because they would get too attached to the children. Well duh we get way attached to the children too! We still yearn, almost unhealthily so, for 2 little girls that will forever be imprinted on our hearts. I’m still not sure we deal with those emotions correctly, but you live, you breath, you give it God, sometimes you cry out to Him to take away that pain of loss, and then you come to terms with the fact that no one has their children forever and you just pray that somewhere in the world those little angels are safe and happy and be thankful for the time you did have with them and hope that you did something good and right for them.

Now, all that being said… let me tell you what a GREAT experience it was to have baby Matthew in our home. And really, he stayed just long enough for me to get the full experience, new mom weird worrying questions and all… lol… Jimmie and Austin thought I was nuts because I was obsessed with the fact that the poor little guy hadn’t pooped in 24 hours. I mean, Matthew wasn’t worried… he slept like a little lamb. Anyway… it really was a great experience to have and now I won’t be so apprehensive to take a newborn the next time they call with the placement need for one. Jimmie’s cousin Karen said before long we’re going to have the basic supplies for any age along with the basic parenting skill set for any age! Lol and I say bring it! It really is a fun way to live most of the time.

Another thing I have been contemplating and learning through each foster experience I’ve had thus far is that God is totally using this adventure (as He does with most adventures in our lives right) as a chisel to re-form some of the parts of me that are flawed. Like for example, I was realizing today that although I’m very laid back and I claim that I don’t like to plan too far ahead (I’ve had to start carrying a planner though to keep track of Austin and that drives me crazy!), change is scary and I don’t like to have my comfort zone toppled. Last night, I had to call someone for help. I hate asking people for help. I’d rather try to fix something myself 10 millions times the wrong way than call and ask someone to inconvenience themselves and help me.

Well… I’m rambling and I’ve sort of lost my train of thought but I just needed to get some things off my chest… if I even end up posting this on my blog… thank you for taking the time to read it… feel free to fill out the comment card at the door… toodles!

Finally let me tell you how it’s going with Austin. He is such a funny goofy sweet tender-hearted knuckle head. We love that boy like he was our own and I’m not sure our “own” child would have fit in with us as well as he does. Sometimes it’s like he came from us! Lol He has our quirky, sarcastic sense of humor. He has my penchant for being tardy and loving to sleep late. He has Jimmie’s work ethic and lack of verbal filter… he’s just a great kid and he’s really thriving at our house. Anyone who knew him before tells us there is a night and day difference in him. I know we are making a difference but the kid gets a lot of credit himself too because he is just determined to make it.

Now don’t get me wrong. It’s not all sunshine and roses all the time. We definitely passed the “honeymoon” phase of our relationship a long time ago. I was actually afraid to take on a teenager because I felt like I’d want to be their friend more than their parent… and like I’d have a hard time with the discipline side of things but I have found once you feel like a child is yours and they do something wrong it doesn’t matter how old they are that momma rage sets in and their ain’t nothing you won’t say! Lol I was shocked and amazed to discover that I could rant and put the fear of God in someone! Lol and there have been too many moments to count where Jimmie and I both have stopped and said, oh man… thanks for making us sound like our parents!

Well… I’m sure I need to post a whole lot more but I think I’ll get this posted and then lurk… glad to hear that the journal goddess circle is being rejuvenated!