2 posts in 1 week... what the? lol

Ok so yesterday was a therapuetic post and I told some positive things that are happening but mostly I dwelled on the negative. So today I want to dwell on the positive. Austin really has grown as a person over the last several years. We have happened to come into his life at a time where he has already done a lot of the work to turn himself around. Jimmie went to visit Austin's grandmother yesterday (who has also become a part of our outer limits extended family) and they were talking and realizing that a year ago, Austin would not have been able to control his temper the way he did when his social worker was reading him the riot act 2 weeks ago. That's just an example of how far he has come. He is a sweet funny kid who is now making "normal" teenage mistakes rather than "thug" teenage mistakes and Jimmie and I love him a whole lot.

We're all finding our way through this crazy madness that is our lives. It's not always pretty, it's not always sane, but it's how we roll...

Let me explain the "outer limits" comment above. Yesterday I decided to search the web for some sort of answer or help for my husband who is stuck somewhere in the grief process over our first foster girls. I think he was almost through the process when last November we got a call that the girls may be coming back to our house. So yesterday I searched the web to see if there was any info or help or just something out there about our situation. I found several great sites and articles! We are not alone! I think that in and of itself is so helpful and validating because Jimmie was really beginning to wonder if he was losing his mind.

One article referred to the fact that we, as foster families, are really sort of living in the outer limits because we don't really lead "normal" lives and really very few people are foster parents, even though sometimes in our bubble that we live in it may seem normal, it really isn't a normal way to live.

But the most helpful site I found was a blog. Someone out there blogged exactly what we've been thinking and feeling ever since the girls left. And then there were tons of comments of people going through the exact same thing too. It was just very helpful to have our feelings validated and to realize that we're not alone.

It also got some wheels turning in my head because we know of foster parents in our circle who are also hurting and there is just not a resource available to address this huge need. I mean, in our training, obviously, we're told about the risk to our hearts and souls but until you actually live it, you don't realize what a hole little people leave in your heart when they leave your home. There is just never really any closure. There's no funeral, there's no flowers. The blogger was preparing to lose her 8 month old baby that she had had since birth and she was wondering what the response to her loss would look like, for example, with her church family. If someone's biological child died, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone, the church family would of course surround that family and offer condolences, a shoulder to cry on, support, meals, etc. And even though her foster son was not dying, their connection was, the relationship was dying. People just don't think to comfort foster parents after they lose their little ones. But it is a very real sense of loss and the grief is very real. The blogger compared it more to the pain people go through with a missing child because there is the same lack of closure. We will forever wonder what is happening in the life of our girls. Are they happy? Is someone mistreating them? What bad behaviors are they being exposed to? What if? What if?

Anyway... I don't want to get too heavy in to all that because for the most part, I've dealt with my grief. Sure I cry every now and then when I see something or hear something that totally brings back a memory the girls' and I shared. But I have more good days than bad. Jimmie on the other hand is really going through the fire and needs lots of prayers. I also think he was sort of hoping that the new littles would fill the Mayce and Aniya holes in his heart and Matthew and Cali just don't fit. But they are already digging their own holes though.

That was another thing that the blogger was talking about. People think if you lose one foster child you can replace them with others. Which is really like thinking that if a biological child dies, you can have another baby to replace that one. You can't replace a kid with another kid... that doesn't work. I'm sure people who have miscarried feel the same way. I mean, you feel so blessed to have the kiddos that you have in your life and in your home but I know many women and I'd bet my cousin Mandy is one of those women who wonder and miss the person who her miscarried babies would grow up to be. That was another set of people who the blogger talked about that we have a hard time comforting in the correct way and I have a feeling that until you've been in their shoes you cannot fathom the pain and grief that women who have miscarried feel. I know I'm guilty of not saying or doing anything because I don't know how or what to say.

the final thing I'll tell you about what the blogger said is this. And I'm sure this covers anyone who has ever grieved anything. People would try to console her by saying that God has a plan. And this is one that Jimmie also has a hard time with. We know God has a plan but that does not make the pain less painful.

Gosh... I really was wanting to make this a more positive entry but again I'm on doom and gloom... acutally though it was hopeful and helpful to read about and learn about people who have the same pain as us and I have realized that there is a huge need out there to make other foster parents aware that they are not alone in their pain and grief when their kids leave their house. So say a prayer for a foster parent today and say a prayer for what I should do with this knowledge and burden as I continue my life in the outer limits! thanks for reading!

oh here's a link to that blogger's blog that I've been referring to. Feel free to read it or pass it along to someone if you know any other foster parents. There are several really helpful entries on this blog http://got2bkidding.wordpress.com/2008/10/01/comforting-the-grieving-foster-parent/

one more thing and then I'm done, promise! I just have to share this quote from the blogger... I wish these were my words, Lord know I've felt them many times:

"It’s ironic that God would place me in the role of foster parent. A role
that requires a great deal of mercy and that is a daily call to serve.
Very funny."