A new chapter....

So, I was just catching up on blog reading and I was reading Mandy’s blog… cuz she’s just about the only one who has blogged lately, lol, and feeling guilty cuz I haven’t blogged in eons and I’ve only really lurked on FB… so I decided it’s time for an entry… I actually have been writing in my paper journal at home, because I really wanted to chronicle the last few months in my ongoing paper journal for whatever that’s worth. It’s actually so helpful to keep a journal because from time to time I go back an read the story of me and that’s when you can totally see our Heavenly Father’s guidance in my life.

Several weeks ago, I came across a notebook of poems I wrote in high school… oh my… what a “tortured” soul I was… lol… I’ll have to type a few out on here sometime so you all can share my memories of your own angst at that age.

So… the big… no, huge… news in my life lately is of course the cancer scare, which PRAISE GOD is now OVER. I almost feel like it was a non-event because it was merely a 3 month or so ordeal. However, they did have to remove a whole organ and it obviously was a traumatic event. But anyways, here’s a little run down of my recent ordeal:

June 2: went in for a D & C because I was having some extremely harsh cycles (which started in earnest earlier this year. It was actually debilitating because Jimmie and I had to leave several public outings due to the fact that I was almost bleeding to death – or so it felt like anyways. Sorry if that SOS!!)

June 4: Got a call from the doctor’s office to come see her that day whenever I could, the nurse even said the doc said she’d stay late if she had to, she just wanted to see me that day. So I called them back and then I called Jimmie who met me at the doc’s office. As soon as we appeared we were ushered straight in and the doctor appeared seconds later – never a good sign. When I pulled into the parking lot, I think I really knew then that it wasn’t going to be good news and I prayed to the Lord. I told Him that I was His child and I knew that He would be in control whatever the news. So my doctor comes in and proceeds to tell Jimmie and I that I have uterine cancer and the only treatment is hysterectomy. We were both sort of dumbfounded but somehow I was able to ask and understand, what’s next? She said the names of a few doctors, one of which had operated on her. That’s who I picked so she said she’d set up an appointment. Then before she left us, she asked if she could pray with us. I’m tearing up now remembering that moment because that is EXACTLY what we needed at that moment and when she prayed, she prayed in Jesus’ name and it was just such a touching moment that I will treasure forever.

All the way home, because I had to drive myself home so I couldn’t exactly crack up then, but all the home, I promised myself that as soon as I got home, I could cry the rest of the night. But when I got home, something happened. I mean, of course, I cried a little bit but then I thought, what good is that going to do but give me a headache… so instead, we began calling people. The first person Jimmie called was a couple at our church named Brenda and Gene. Brenda has recently battled and won the fight against breast cancer so we knew that they would know how we felt and what we should do. We also knew that she would start contacting other church family to start praying with us… there also happens to be a cancer prayer chain in our area that she called for us as well. Then I called my mother etc… but after that I composed myself and made dinner… a delicious dinner too btw… and then we set about gathering our prayer support via phone calls and email… Gene called Jimmie a little while after we talked to Brenda to give him some advice as the spouse of the cancer victim… they have really been so helpful through all of this ordeal.

June 5: I had a CT scan… I had to drink a bunch of dye – yuck but the test was painless. The purpose of the test was to see how much cancer was there and if it appeared to be anywhere else. A few days later my doctor called to tell me that it did not appear that the cancer had spread and that the ct scan looked pretty good.

June 24: my initial appointment with the gyno-oncoligist. I liked her a lot. Mom, dad, and Jimmie all went with me to that appointment and all 3 came back to have the next step explained to us. I think dad got a lot more info than he cared to… lol…

July 21: hysterectomy day… I had to be at the hospital at 5:30 a.m. and I don’t really remember much about that day. They took me back pretty quickly and I remember mom, dad, and Jimmie being there and then they started putting drugs in my IV… I don’t remember passing out… I don’t remember being taken to surgery… I do remember when I came to in the post-op area, just barely… I was rubbing my right arm (for some reason my arms hurt almost as bad as my stomach – I don’t know what they did with my arms during surgery but it wasn’t natural! Lol) and trying to massage a place that hurt deep down in my belly and I remember the nurse telling me to stop digging at it… and then I passed out again and the next time I woke up I was in a hospital room and Jimmie was just grinning and being all giddy (which he denies now – he says he was not giddy. However, the people that he called at work to tell them I came through surgery have verified that he was in fact giddy when he called them lol). He told me later he had just been so worried and was so happy that I was going to be alright. I don’t really remember much else about that day… I was pretty drugged up. Mom, dad and Jimmie were there for a while and telling me everything the doctor said and how the surgery was successful and stuff. And although it wasn’t registering what they were telling me, I remember stuff and asked them about it the next day. They all left me I think around 8 or 9ish… I was sort of in and out of it. But the nurses don’t actually let ya sleep a whole heck of a lot because they kept coming in to check on me and waking me up… around 10:30ish the nurse asked – or maybe I asked her, when I should start trying to get up. She said I could do that now if I wanted to… I knew the quicker I started moving around the quicker they let ya leave and I wanted to leave… so they took the cath out and I began the torturous movements of getting out of bed… now because I never have had anything done, I’m sure I have a lower threshold of pain or whatever but O.M.G…. I got up several times that night and each time it was hellish… I’ll not forget that pain for a long long time… lol

July 22: I got to go home! Wahoo… but still lots of pain….

July 29: went back to see the gyno-oncologist and she confirmed that the cancer was caught early, she was able to remove it all and it had not spread and most importantly – no chemo or radiation needed! Wahoo!

So since then I’ve been taking it easy and getting better and better… about Thursday or Friday of last week I really started to feel almost 100%.... although I’d say my energy level is not quite 100% yet. I am back to work this week… it’s actually nice to be getting back in to that routine. We have also reopened our house as a foster home… right after I got diagnosed we put our home on hold but now we’re open for business again!

So as I was reading Mandy’s journal, past entries included, because it’s been a long time since I’ve lurked at journals, in one entry she was talking about Women of Faith this past year and I was reminded how spiritually fed and refreshed I was after WOF this year… and it occurred to me that God really used that time to sort of prepare my heart for what was to come.

I have been blessed beyond my wildest imagination through this whole ordeal. I can honestly say that the actual cancer and surgery was almost a blessing. I mean, sure I sort of wish Jimmie and I hadn’t had to go through all those emotions but I would have missed out on a whole bunch of blessings if this hadn’t happened. It has just been this humbling, beautiful experience to realize how many people God has placed around us that love us and care about us. My family, my church family, my friends family, my work family… it’s just been an amazing experience. And then on top of all that, to feel the Holy Spirit comforting from within me… to realize beyond of a shadow of a doubt that God is holding me in His hand and leading me through it… I am grateful for this experience and hope that I will always remember the lessons I’ve learned here.

Now, don’t get me wrong, there have been dark moments too… the grieving process has definitely been there too… the fact that Jimmie and I will never create a child together… we’ve definitely had to let go of that… well mostly I was the one that had kept this little drawer full of hope that that would happen and I’ve had to empty that drawer completely. Even in that though, I think the Lord had prepared my heart for it, because I’ve never felt like I was the “giving birth” type…

But as I’ve learned over and over again at Women of Faith… God is big enough to handle our “why me” prayers in those dark moments… I’ve absolutely realized a deeper love, a deeper connection, a deeper relationship with our Holy God through this ordeal…

Well… to close, I just want to thank you all for your prayers and your thoughts… I’ve lurked enough around FB to keep tabs on most all of you but I do miss reading actual journal entries too so hope to read about ya’ll soon!

P.S... an after thought... not sure I want to journal about this cuz I'd like to suprise people... and honestly, had I read Mandy's last journal entry a week ago I probably wouldn't have gone through with it... last Thursday I did something drastic and totally unexpected and I was able to surprise my mother and my sister as they came to visit me on Saturday. I got a new haircut to go with the "new" me... Jimmie was so not on board with it at first... lol... but the nice thing he came up with to say about it is that he was just happy that it all didn't fall out with chemotherapy. Friday night he showed up with flowers and took me out for a date. On the way home I told him that he could always get with Brenda and find out where to buy good wigs and I'd wear a wig occassionally for him.

So Saturday morning when I woke up, there was a Hannah Montana wig on the kitchen table... he is such a goober... I really love that man though.... and I found it hilarious... But men don't have to fix long hair and I'd had the same hair do since high school basically and at least the last 2 or 7 years, I've just given up trying to fix it and created this messy ponytail look. Well honestly, the back of my head is sore from the ponytail and I just needed a change. I've been looking at hair magazines for 2 years but Missy said she'd believe it when she saw it that I'd get something new and different... well I'm new and different and I've survived cancer, so for goodness sake a little hair cut isn't going to scare me - again... haven't seen Mandy's new do so I shouldn't say that so lightly... but it is just hair and it will grow back Mandy! But I still believe in that scripture, I think it's a Proverb, that says something about hair being a woman's crown and glory... it is funny how all these dead cells on our head looks really does affect our moods and attitudes and really our outlook on life... but anyways.. Missy said she was almost more excited about my new do than about me surviving cancer... so I guess it's a big deal... lol... I'll try to post a picture here or on FB sometime... Mandy? picture?? ::ducking in case she throws something at me:: lol... bless your heart braintwin... I have to say that the last few times I've seen you I have had hair envy so I do feel your pain at getting a bad haircut... again, I'm glad I didn't read your entry last week because I would have been totally spooked about getting my haircut... ok... I really need to get some work done... bye ya'll!