I love roller coasters but this is ridiculous!

So I need to vent about my emotional roller coaster of a week… I’ve been to he** and back and it’s only Wednesday… what next??!! Let’s just say as a reward to myself I am going to happily get lost in New Moon at some point very very soon! Lol

I knew when we signed up and went through the training to become foster/adoptive parents that we were joining a band of crazy people who live an unconventional lifestyle. I knew that there would be heartbreak and heartache. It seems all my life people have come and gone and each one left a fingerprint or toeprint if not a footprint on my heart and so I thought well this won’t be that different. We have big hearts with enough pieces to spare… right?! I didn’t know to what extent that would be tested until this past week.

Monday afternoon I got a call from Jessica, our foster care placement lady that calls when kids need homes. She asked if we would take the {insert their last name here} kids back. It took me a second to figure out who she was talking about… our girls… YEAH, I nearly shouted at her. At that point they didn’t have the kids in their possession but a worker was going to go investigate and possibly take them in to custody. When I got off the phone my exact words were “o.m.g. the girls are coming home”. I went in to tell my boss the news and then I told her that I need to call Jim but at that point I wasn’t sure that I wanted to tell him until I knew something for definite. But I couldn’t not call him, and so I did. And as soon as I got the words out and I could tell he was crying, I immediately thought and asked if saying yes was the right thing to do. Could we really handle this again? Them coming and going. He said I definitely said the right thing. So we waited for news on pins and needles the rest of the day.

We happened to be going to our monthly foster parent meeting at the building where the social workers’ offices are and when we got there, one of the workers that we have become friends with asked if we were excited that the girls were coming back. At that point I think we were still stunned and rather numb and trying with all our might not to get our hopes up. I was failing badly because I’d already had Christmas morning planned out. We’d go to grandma’s Christmas Eve and come back to Kentucky so that we could have Christmas morning at our house with all our kiddos. But I digress. Jim told the worker he was trying not to get excited and asked her if she had heard anything and she said that they couldn’t find them. I was not standing there for that conversation or I would have had to pursue that. But Jimmie didn’t so we were left to speculate what in the world that meant.

Tuesday morning, I prayed for the girls and their family… mommy is not doing any better, in fact I would say she is worse and although I know it’s her own choices that have gotten her to where she is in life, it makes me sad and I feel sorry for her because drugs are … they are the devil… they take over a person’s life and make it their own…

Anyway then I called Jessica for an update. She said that they still could not find them, if they went back to grandma’s house in Indiana there was nothing they could do and that the worker was going to go to court to see what could be done. She asked if we were ok to sort of be on standby basis. Of course. But it was at that point that I understood that the chances they were coming to our house in the next few days was bleak. So I spent most of yesterday with an upset stomach and on the verge of tears.

On the drive home yesterday I had a good cry and prayer time. I also listened to an amazing sermon on an unrelated topic and one phrase that stood out to me was that Satan is our tempter and then when we fall in to that sin he is our condemner… He flaunts that enticing thing in front of our face and then when we go for it he is the first one to scold us and make us feel guilty and lothesome for grabbing at what he was offering. That made me think first of my own life and how that is so true and how I’ve seen that time and again in my own life and then it made me think of mommy C. and the drug culture she is caught up in. So I started praying some more about our situation and giving it over to God and trusting Him. I know He did not lead us down this path to be cruel and mess with our hearts and our heads. He did not lead us on this journey just to break our hearts. I have faith that He will take this brokenness and make something beautiful with it. I’m having a hard time understanding or seeing the big picture right now for sure, but He’s got it and that makes me feel great.

Another thought dawned on me too and I think this may have been the turning point yesterday for me. The thought was that we have no right to mourn for those girls like we do. They are not ours. We should be thankful for the moments that we had them and if they come back bonus and if not… well that’s ok too.

I cried one more time when I got home and then I could feel myself turning that corner and I would be ok. Jimmie turned a corner last night too… so I’m betting we were feeling the effects of our prayers and prayers from family and friends… I know nothing I could say to myself or to Jimmie can create that peace that passes all understanding!

This morning Jessica called me to say that the girls are back with grandma so at least for now, they wouldn’t be needed us but she would keep us in mind for other placements.

So there’s that little journey we’ve been on this week… what a trip…

Austin handled all the news pretty well too. He is doing very well… we got midterm report cards last week and he had 5 A’s and 2 C’s. He LOVES school. He has also started going to counseling although he says he doesn’t need counseling and he could give himself counseling… umm.. I asked him if he needed open heart surgery was he going to do that himself ? He said he would do it…funny boy…

Anyway… he asked me one evening this week if we were able to adopt kids and I asked him if he wanted to be adopted and he said very quickly yes. That touched my heart because I think more than being adopted, I think he just needs security and to know that he belongs somewhere… bless his heart…

Well… I know ya’ll do anyway… but if you think about us, would you say a prayer for us… this has been an extremely emotional week for us and I just have a feeling that this is not the last chapter for us and the girls. God’s not done with us yet either and that’s scary but exhilarating!