Sorry... it's a long post... but it's free therapy so I'll take it!

So where to start… I haven’t journaled in a while because my life has pretty much been a whirlwind ever since I got back from the wonderful cruise vacation with the girls. I have so enjoyed reading Mandy and Missy’s recaps of the cruise. They have both done an excellent job of capturing our journey and the fun time we had! Yay girls! Can’t wait to go again someday!

Let me tell you, my mom said it best when she said it was God’s grace with the whole timing of the cruise and the coming chaos in my life! My only regret, and it’s not so much a regret really, is that the cruise would have been more relaxing – it wasn’t really because there was so much to do and see I just figured I’d relax when I got home… I was sort of wrong. Although I did get to sleep in the next day at mom’s before my husband came and picked me up. And then we had teenage drama and once the air cleared there we decided to take two little ones for the weekend and then invite them in to our home.

So almost a month later, we still have 3 kids in the house. All the bedrooms are filled! Let me just testify right here and now GOD IS SO GOOD! Words can’t completely express how blessed I feel. Last year this time, I was facing the whole cancer thing and having all my baby making parts removed. This year, we’re filling our church pew with babies and teenagers! God will make a way! Now don’t get me wrong, I’m still praying for a miracle. Even though I know all those parts aren’t there, I long and probably will always long to be pregnant. And our God is the God of the impossible. But until He does that miracle, I will be content to serve Him and be a mommy to whoever needs one.

Jimmie and I were sitting on the front porch one evening a few weeks ago before it got suffocating-ly hot outside and just enjoying the peaceful sunset and nice breeze and the wonderful feeling of having a houseful of kiddos. Even though the last month or so has been an emotional packed journey, we wouldn’t change a thing. Even though Jimmie’s heart is still so hurting from missing our first 2 little girls, we wouldn’t change a thing. Becoming foster parents, becoming parents, was the best decision of our lives, it’s been life changing and brought Jimmie and I closer than we’ve ever been. Being parents, particularly of a teenager, has made us teammates on a whole other level, completely appreciating our differences and leaving us in awe of how God uses our differences to totally balance us out completely.

I won’t rehash completely what we have been through particularly in the last month or so. On top of adjusting to two new littles in the house, we have dealt with some heavy issues with our now 17 year old. I was listening to a preacher on the radio one day… actually, I think it was someone who wrote a book. I actually called my home phone and left the title of the book on the answering machine. He wrote a parenting book from the perspective of parenting our children as God parents us. It was quite fascinating what he did actually. He was talking and it was almost as if he were talking to me! Lol He was saying that he didn’t understand these parents who take it personally when their children lie to them (which I do). He said people – you gave birth to liars! That’s what we do! We are sinners… our babies are born sinners… it comes naturally to us all. Then he was talking about people who pray for their kids and say Lord, we created this child to be the best of us and here he is a teenager and he doesn’t want to have anything to do with us. Help! And the Lord says, how does it feel? I’m probably not saying it as eloquently as he did and I will for sure post the title of the book… I need to get that book.

Anyway, Austin is a good kid but I’m not sure he sees that or wants to be that. I think he wrestles a whole lot with who he is compared to his “street” image. So because of some of his rotten choices and lies… so many lies… the straw that broke the camels back was a few weeks ago. First let me back up, the drama that I had to deal with when I came home from the cruise – actually, the drama started while we were waiting for our plane in Miami and so I got to worry about it all day while I sat helpless in an airport while my husband needed me. Jimmie called to tell me that our boy had skipped out of school early on Friday (when I was in Key West… ahh I miss there) and on Monday when the principal asked him about it he denied it but then when a video was produced of Austin leaving school in his girlfriend’s car, Austin got defensive and cussed out the principal, resulting in an automatic suspension for one day.

That Monday also happened to be Mayce’s birthday and Jimmie is, well, he’s definitely stuck in a grief stage over losing the girls. He seriously needs some sort of counseling and lots of prayer. He is an emotional wreck really. He cries any time something big or small reminds him of either of them. So that Monday, May 17, is Mayce’s birthday. Jimmie had taken the day off to be at home so he wouldn’t spend the day crying at work. So needless to say, this was not a good day for Austin to have his attitude up in the air waving it around. When Jimmie went to pick him up at the school there was apparently a ruckus and Austin almost ended up not coming home at all.

Fast forward about 2 weeks later, school was out, it was a Monday, Austin had football practice. Girlfriend shows up to take him to football practice. I find out later, from a friend and confirmed by the coach, that he didn’t go to football practice. This happened 2 days in a row – we didn’t confront him, as Jimmie says, we were giving him enough rope. So Tuesday evening I come home, toddlers in tow, car full of groceries and the doors are locked – dead bolts are locked – girlfriend’s car is in the driveway – I’m banging on the doors… no response. I go around to where his bedroom window is, screaming and trying to throw rocks at the window – on the second story – I can’t throw worth a crap! I look over and realize the farmer neighbor is outside by his barn and probably thinks I’m nuts at this point. Lol I finally try my key in the front door and to my amazement it works but I’m furious and sort of blanking out and seeing red dots at this point. I am positive I have never been that mad at anyone in my whole life. But I am trying to keep my composure as not to frighten the Littles. So I leave them downstairs and I go upstairs and scream at the 2 teenagers asleep in bed to get out of my house (I cussed – I’ll admit it). I must have screamed pretty loudly because they immediately woke up. I think they had clothes on – Thank God! I went back downstairs and unloaded groceries and the teenagers left and went to Austin’s grandmother’s house.
The rest of the week there were meetings with social workers and counselors and Jimmie and I crying and discussing and praying about what to do. Our feeling was and still is that although everyone has told us what a great job we are doing with Austin and although he is definitely a member of our family and always will be, we’ve gotten him as far as we can get him. He has to want to start making smart decisions. He has to want to start trusting and respecting us. When he came back to the house the day after I told them to get out, I guess in my mind I had envisioned this emotional reunion where he would tell me how sorry he was (he had apologized in a text message almost immediately the night before). At this point it was not about locking me out – I could see almost immediately that that was a stupid stupid mistake. But he’d been lying to me for 2 days about where he’d been so how was I to know what was going on in my house! Anyway, the moment he got out of the car and instead of coming over to me and talking to me or hugging me, he started playing basketball, I knew he was all attitude and so I stormed back in the house… we spent the evening trying to talk and hash things out. But Austin didn’t really have much to say. He did keep asking what his punishment was and a few days later when we still hadn’t laid out any punishment and he asked about it, I told him that he didn’t want me to make that decision while I was still so angry and bitter.

Argh… I said I wasn’t going to go in to all this but it is therapeutic to type it all out. The sadness and heart break came when we decided that although he said all the right things to the counselor type people later that week, there was no change in attitude and so we decided we can’t live like this and so we put in our two weeks notice to his worker and asked that they look for other living options for Austin. We also thought to ourselves, we just need to see something even minute to change our minds… some little step in our direction. And the night before we met with his social worker, we had a really pleasant evening.

I had a lot of bitterness building up in me. And so that day at work, I wrote out all my feelings and I know people were praying for me so in the combination of all that I had some sort of break through too and the Lord just lifted all that bitterness away. Sometimes when we’re praying for other people to change, we have to look at ourselves too to make sure we’re fixing our side of the problem, ya know.

So we withdrew our 2 week notice, drafted a list of new house rules and here we are. So far, I mean, ya know… it’s not perfect but we’re plowing ahead. We have met the girlfriend’s mother (which was a HUGE mistake that we hadn’t met her yet – hindsight). She was working 2 jobs but has quit one of her jobs so she is around more to see what’s going on on that end. The girlfriend has had her car taken away, which has really sort of put a damper on all the freedom they both had to make their bad choices. I’m hopeful at this point that things will only continue to get better. We love Austin and know he has it in him to be a good successful person in life, which is why it is so hard to watch when he makes the bad decisions that will only lead him to bad places in life.

The Littles, as we have come to call them (I think Missy may have started that lol), Matthew and Cali, are doing so well. They started a new daycare this week and seem to be adjusting to that fairly well. Matthew is a ham! He loves to pose for the camera. Cali is precious… but she has a temper! I had to stay home with them earlier this week cuz Matthew had a touch of a stomach bug. The only thing worse than getting sick yourself is having to watch a tiny little 3 year old throw up. I cried for him… it was just pitiful…. Bless his baby heart but he’s all better now and I was so thankful to come to work the next day. Lord, Bless the stay at home moms… I do not have that in me!

So there’s a slight glimpse in to our crazy life… God is good through it all! I am learning so much about myself and just trying to keep a positive attitude. Jimmie and I have had to cling to each other so much through everything too so that’s only strengthening our relationship in ways we never dreamed possible.

Thanks for reading this if you’re still with me! That helped a lot… pray for us please! Thanks!