I may or may not be expecting and the baby is due in November....

How's that for a catchy title? lol

Well we still do not know whether or not we are expecting a baby in November. Mommy hasn’t really been in touch with anyone, not really even her family. The state is contemplating filing abandonment for my two Littles and proceeding with terminating parental rights. It will be a long and emotional process which we are about to embark upon (lol as if we haven’t been on a long emotional journey since we began down the path of foster/adopt life!)

People ask if me if I’m happy about the fact that we get to keep them. I honestly don’t know how to answer that question because it is such an extremely complicated situation. Obviously yes I’m uber attached and so are they so definitely I cannot imagine my life now without them. Although I have to tread lightly with that mentality because we’ve been down this road before and from experience we know that this journey can take an unexpected turn at any moment - as life tends to do for everyone… what’s that saying.. life is a journey not a destination… the older I get the truer that saying rings…

However, there are other issues to consider. Several years down the road I have to try and explain why the woman that gave birth to these beautiful angels didn’t want to be a part of their life… I haven’t a clue why but I do know, watching my own sister go through the pain of that question, the emotional scarring left by being abandoned by the person that gave you life runs deep and can cause a lot of pain – so much so that even the fact that someone else chose you isn’t answer enough. I guess that’s why when I’m asked if I’m happy about getting to keep them I feel too guilty to say yes because my happiness, my quest for a family, comes at someone else’s loss. Even the little ones that I want to protect will experience loss…

But the bottom line… the very basic truth is… I’m extremely excited and happy and blessed to get to be Matthew and Cali’s forever mommy. My heart just glows when they call me mommy and they reach for me. Cali is very clingy and cuddly and it can be annoying but mostly I just relish in it. When she woke up crying for me this morning, I could have held her all day! God has definitely led our little family together and I’m happy to enjoy it for how ever long He sees fit for this to go on. If their mother started getting her act together tomorrow I’d cheer that on too though because it’s unbelievable to me that any man or any lifestyle could be more important than being a mommy to these two incredibly adorable, incredibly smart, incredibly precious little beings. Frankly, her loss is my gain… but see, that just seems so flippant and selfish to say… so pretend you didn’t read that! lol

Matthew has started preschool! And our preacher friend’s little boy is in his class and also starting preschool a year early! So they will be school mates for a long time! After we found out that Matthew got in to preschool, I was reading the parent handbook to Jimmie and I was excited about the idea of little things like bringing cupcakes to school on Matthew’s birthday and Matthew’s first field trip and school holiday parties and Jimmie said, you aren’t excited about being a school mom are you… lol... yes I am!

They did a bunch of testing with Matthew before he could start preschool and, as we expected, he is about a year behind in speech development but in cognitive areas he was testing at 7 year old levels – and he’s 3! The testing ladies just couldn’t say enough about how blown away they were by some of the concepts he is already understanding and utilizing. His preschool teacher came to the house yesterday – they have to do 2 home visits per school year – I have never heard of that – but anyway, she was telling me how well Matthew is doing and how advanced he is that he is zipping his own coat. So things like that are encouraging to hear and just make me so proud! That’s my boy! Lol

Ms. Cali… oh my… probably should call her Her Royal Highness… both of my babies have big personalities… and Cali is just blooming before our very eyes… it’s so cool to watch her grow and learn and to hear new words from her mouth every day… one big thing is when she first came to our house she was terrified of the dogs and would scream if Trinity even looked her way. But now she is feeding them both, petting them both, and she giggles when they lick her face – big strides for such a little one! She’s also showing lots of interest in potty training and even let me put a pull up on her yesterday so she could go to potty when she wanted to. The other night she got out of the bathtub to go #1 a couple of times… yay for not peeing in the tub! lol

Sibling rivalry is alive and well at our house too… don’t get me wrong… it’s obvious Matthew and Cali love each other and look out for each other but they could be hugging one second and then trying to poke each other’s eyes out in the next second! Lol… pretty normal stuff I’m sure…

Well… there’s a little journaling… it will be interesting to see what life might be like if a new baby gets added to the mix here in a few weeks… I’m sure it will be culture shock yet again but we’ll roll with it baby! Cuz that’s how we roll… lol… God is so good! Life is good!

Thank the Lord that God gave me Jimmie to navigate through this life with… he is – well… I just don’t have the words to express how grateful I am for my husband. All those years I wondered how two people who are so different in so many ways could come together but it’s so obvious especially when we are dealing with the kids and life and life after kids who have left our home how our difference so compliment each other and help us both to deal with every little thing.

This is something I haven’t really shared with anyone except Jimmie although it’s probably not a secret to some… when I met Jimmie some 15 years ago now, I was sort of in a really stagnant place in my relationship with God. He obviously hadn’t moved but I was sort of living out of the umbrella of His protection… looking back that’s how it seems anyway… I was doing my own thing. And I am amazed and so thankful that even in the middle of that time in my life, when I could have met a real loser and fell for him, God was still protecting me and blessed me with my husband… who as it turns out was ready to quit living out of the umbrella of God’s protection and follow Him - which in turn brought me back around heading in the right direction. Ain’t God neat!?

Alright… I better get some work done… I miss reading journals of some of ya’ll… hint hint… lol.. see you on Facebook though!